This may sound really cliché, but we have to accept it’s a thing every year, especially for those of us who have been single so long, we don’t even recall what it is like to actually be in a relationship. If I had to sum up my 2019, it has nothing been short of interesting. Call it a movie if you may, boring to the audience, but interesting to the writer, none the same. Tears, drama, romance, happiness, and some real contentment in self.
Honestly, taking a break from seeking has been the best thing I have done to myself. Seeking really did translate to validation in my case, and I realized that all I was looking for was validation. Validation that I am good enough, validation that I am pretty, validation that I am sexy, no matter how desperate I was in vulnerability. Yes, vulnerability. That you get when people you have always loved call you eccentric, desperate, wannabe, and maybe, even untrustworthy. It makes you feel ugly, and hence you do really project ugliness. In my case, I did. I am not proud of it, and only I will know who and what I lost. It’s like being in a cocoon. A cocoon where there is only you, in a space that seemingly gives suffocation. In reality, it is what makes a caterpillar, a butterfly.
Have I become a butterfly, yet? No. Am I suffocated? Definitely. But had you asked me this question 6 months back, I would have screamed “I hate being where I am”. But now I can say, I am enjoying it. I know I am putting a lot of emphasis on it, but actually not seeking a steady relationship anymore, has made me feel really comfortable of being single and alone. When you seek, you so tend to lose the individuality of who you are and try to understand what they like/ dislike. For once, I am giving a lot of thought to what my own personal options are. Validation of choices and acceptance, coupled with low self-esteem is a bitch. Of course, I owe it to a certain friend. I wouldn’t be working on it if not for her. It’s a popular saying, one thing leads to another, and here I am reading again. I may have pretended to redevelop the habit a year ago, but now I am just running to books in all directions. It’s like rediscovering them. Which brings me to patience. There are not enough books, but someone very wise said, read maximum 2 at a time. I then realized, I am not really doing justice to myself or those books, if I am run in all directions to them. Patience is a quality I lack. Call it genes, seriously. Lack of patience, makes for a reactive human. Repercussions of which I learned from Laxmi. Had she not reacted; she would have not even thought of forgiving her molester.
I know, this a lot of insight for a person who has achieved nothing save for passing an exam, and is already 25, but a teacher once said, “wise are those who learn from not only their mistakes, but the mistakes of others too”. Had I listened to him and paid heed, I wouldn’t have lost two friends in day.